Life's too short, but Sarah is shorter.
I'm acting like I'm more mature than you because I am more mature than you.
Oh wow that's horrible. Thank you for letting me know. Okay I'll see you soon.
Like what?
Okay be quiet!
I was buzzed, but not high.
So, you think you're high risk?
Bro, are you saying it's a choice?
I'm worried you're not taking this seriously.
I'm only really in love with you too, Stella.
Seoul's not in North Korea.
Sweet mother of God that hurts.
What a wonderful country we live in.
I assume everything is going to end badly.
I really don't need you fighting my battles for me.
I'm already guilty.
Hey, I know that look.
I don't like confrontation
Pillow scream?
Oh, I wish I was there, my love.
My twin telepathy doesn't work well enough, apparently.
Sorry Mom
He undoes his belt.
What are your feelings regarding stage productions?
To my right was a dresser with a half empty bottle of Captain Morgan's on it, next to a hairbrush that had several long blond hairs in it.
So anti-humor is basically jokes that are funny because they aren't funny.
I walk through a desert.
She shrieked.
Are you done apologizing?
Certainly not a kiss, but a handshake would be awkward and weird.
I opened the most recent photo.
Yes, what is it?
"Very well, " she said.
We sat there; it wasn't awkward.
Oh honey, that's stupid.
I got very little work done that week.
"The Flash!" Randy answered
I ate as I walked, careful not to spill any on my beige cardigan.
Well then, there goes all the lines I rehearsed.
I knew the appropriate thing to do was to clear my throat and excuse myself.
Whoopsies
The entirety of the animal kingdom had wormed its way into my apartment.
She's so creepy.
The day of I woke up and went out to buy beer.
I'm on the eighth floor.
Blue Eyes noticed my Adidas flip flops.
I think it was earlier.
I know how dating works.
I admitted to my inabilities as a comic with regret.
It occurred to me that I might actually have to stay late for once.
When I got dumped I binge-drunk and did drugs.
I wiped down the kitchen...
Bob came over after lunch to make small talk and shoot the shit.
Shoelace
You're finally here.
"I feel so cultured, " Zoey whispered in my ear.
I'd like a whiskey sour
The ladies are in the bathroom.
She laughed and winked at me.
When's the big day?
You really think we broke up because of that proposal?
Can I get you boys anything?
I started to worry a little.
Are you nuts?
We're going to a rave?
I got to the front of the line.
Did you change my ringtone to Waka Flocka?
All of a sudden, there is a loud crash.
"911 what's your emergency?" The deep voice surprised me.
Are you free this Friday?
I cared enough to stay up and watch the end.
Doozy
Bed Bugs
Rush Hour
Beloved
Carburetor
Patriots
Snowday
Multiverse
Furry
Ego
Science-based
Schtick
Fashion
Boujee
Blubberous
Orchid